Fall In Love Slowly
by Fire The Canon
Summary: People kept telling her that she would feel an instant connection to her baby the moment she was born, but when Hermione doesn't feel that, she feels lost. Perhaps motherhood isn't for her after all.


_**Written for the 12 Days of Christmas Style Challenge (2/2 canon fics)**_

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**Fall In Love Slowly**

_Newborn_

Hermione watched as Ron eagerly took the child from her arms, being careful to hold his daughter the way he had been shown. His eyes widened with delight as one of her tiny little hands poked out from the blanket she was wrapped in. He had been a father for less than seventy-two hours and already it was as if he had been doing it for years. And to think that he had been the one reluctant to have a baby in the first place; he had told her directly that he thought he would be rubbish at the job. But he wasn't; he'd embraced that task like it was his life mission all along.

Watching them together, Hermione swallowed a very large lump that had formed in her throat and forced a smile. Little Rose was so content whenever he held her. When Hermione held her daughter she would scream and cry and fight until she was back in her father's arms. Ron joked that it was because she loved him more, but he never seemed to realise that all of his teasing, Hermione took to heart.

It was true, she realised. Even after three days it was apparent that Rose was happier to be with Ron than her own mother. She had thought it would be simple, motherhood. Her own mother had done it, of course, and had rarely taken a day off work in the process. Molly Weasley had raised seven children, all of whom had turned out just fine. Even Ginny had said she quite liked being a mother, and that the moment she had seen James, she had fallen in love.

All Hermione had seen when Rose was born was a red-faced, screaming baby. That was all. She had felt relieved, and then scared, and then started wondering what she was going to do with a baby. But love… she hadn't quite worked out her feelings towards Rose yet. What she felt for her daughter was different; it wasn't a love like she felt for Ron, or her parents, or any other family member. She wasn't even sure if she felt anything at all, which confused her. Wasn't she supposed to feel something overwhelmingly powerful towards something she had just given birth to? Wasn't that how it worked?

Ron offered a finger to Rose, her tiny hand wrapping around it, and this time Hermione really did smile. But it was because Ron was so happy. She had never seen him this happy before, and she liked that.

"I think I have competition," she teased. "She's got all your attention."

Ron beamed, looking up at her for just a moment, before returning her eyes to their newborn daughter. "She's beautiful, don't you think?" he said. "She's perfect."

Hermione could hear the love in his voice – the adoration – that she was supposed to be feeling, too. Perhaps he had enough for both of them.

"She's amazing," she agreed, and that wasn't a lie. Her daughter was amazing – incredible. It was hard to comprehend the idea that she had been made by them. The whole concept was beautiful, but… maybe she just wasn't supposed to be one of the people to create life. She had thought she was, but if she didn't feel anything now, how was she supposed to raise little Rose?

"I never thought I could do this, Hermione," Ron continued, staring fondly at the baby. "But I can. I couldn't imagine my life without her anymore. Not for a second."

Hermione forced another smile, nodding in agreement. She would never tell him that over the last two days the thought of what she might be doing had they not decided to have a baby had crossed her mind.

Their lives had changed now, and she was still trying to work out if it was for the better.

…

_1 month_

Rose was screaming. She was hungry, Hermione knew that, but she would settle, wouldn't she? She would be okay.

She hated it when Rose cried. It was painful to hear; it was loud, and heartbreaking, and exhausting all at the same time. She'd wake up every two hours in the night and they would have to get up to her. They would take it in turns – Ron eager to see his little girl, even at three in the morning; Hermione dreading it – but this time they both knew only Hermione could go to her.

"Hermione?"

He hadn't noticed it to begin with. He had been blissfully happy and besotted with his baby daughter to notice that something might be amiss. It hadn't been until Rose had been one week old that something happened that made him realise Hermione might not be okay.

He'd found her staring into the cot Rose slept in one evening. Normally, that would be a perfectly normal thing to do, but she wasn't smiling. She seemed confused, and it was as if she had been crying.

"I'm just tired," she had said when he'd asked if she was okay. "It's just exhausting raising a baby." She had wiped away her tears, forced a smile and kissed him. She had been more careful after that, but Ron had kept an eye on her and there had been other times… times when she had seemed almost reluctant to go and see her own daughter.

"Hermione… Rose needs you." He looked over at her and she was staring up at the ceiling.

"Hm?"

"Rose needs you, Hermione. She's calling for you."

"Oh." She looked to Ron, opened her mouth as if she wanted to say something, and then left to get Rose. Ron couldn't help but stare after her. He had given her the benefit of the doubt before, but that just proved that something was wrong. Hermione would be the most amazing mother he had ever met, he knew that. She could love like no one else, and was passionate and kind and caring; but she had not shown any of that towards Rose yet. In fact, she seemed to behave in the complete opposite fashion towards Rose.

He swallowed. No, she would be okay. Hermione loved Rose. He knew she did.

Rose was perfect.

…

In all honesty, Ron knew Rose better than she did. He knew when she would wake, when she was hungry, when she wanted comfort. He knew every little detail about their daughter, and when Hermione picked her up, she realised how foreign the child was to her. She didn't feel like _her_ child. Nothing felt like the way she had pictured it. She was tired, angry and she didn't want to be stuck at home anymore looking after Rose. On the days it was just the two of them… those were the days she dreaded the most.

"You can stop crying now, Rose," Hermione said, cradling the baby gently. "I'm here now." Her words made little difference. As per usual, Rose just cried even harder. Her first instinct was to take her to Ron, but no. She could do this. She had to learn to settle her own daughter.

She could do this.

She sat down in the armchair in Rose's room, cradling the baby. "It's okay, Rose," she said. "You're okay."

Rose continued to cry and a tear rolled down Hermione's cheek. She hated this; she hated all of it. Every book she had read, every person she had talked to… not a single one of them had prepared her for this. They had all said that she'd fall in love the moment she held her baby in her arms. They all made everything sound easy, but nothing about this was easy.

"Please don't cry," she said. "Please don't." As if being able to understand her, her daughter's wails subsided slightly. Tear tracks stained both of their faces, and then suddenly… something that very much resembled a smile formed on Rose's mouth.

Something inside of Hermione soared; something that felt a bit like pride. Rose had smiled at her! She had never seen her daughter smile before, and now that she had… she had never seen anything more beautiful.

She beamed. "Rosie!" she said. "You smiled at me!" And then Rose did it again, suddenly happy to be awake at four o'clock in the morning.

When Hermione came back to bed an hour later, Ron wrapped his arms around her waist, drawing her close. "Is everything okay?" he asked, and there was a hint of concern in her voice.

"Rose smiled at me, Ron," Hermione told him.

"What?"

"She smiled at me, and I finally got her to stop crying. She smiled at me." Hermione couldn't quite place the emotion she had felt when it had happened, but it had made her feel something more than she had ever felt towards her daughter before. "It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen."

Ron kissed her hair. "I'll have to wait until she wakes again to see it," he said. "But you have that effect on people – you make them smile."

Hermione sunk into his embrace, smiling herself. She fell asleep moments later with the image of her little girl's smile in her mind.

…

_2 months_

"Ron, something's wrong with Rose!"

Ron was in Rose's bedroom in a heartbeat, both of them staring over her cot. Rose was almost too hot to touch, her limbs all limp and floppy. Her eyes were trying to open, but it was obviously difficult for her.

"Ron, I think we need to take her to the hospital!" A sick feeling had filled Hermione. She felt nauseous. What if something was seriously wrong? What if they had found her too late?

Ron lifted her carefully from the cot, cringing at the touch.

"I think it might be a magical thing, Ron," Hermione continued as they hurried from the room. "People don't get that hot naturally."

Ron didn't say anything, but waited just a moment for Hermione to grab onto his arm, Disapparating all three of them to St. Mungo's.

"Please help our daughter!" Hermione said to the first person she saw. "She's really hot!"

When the Healer looked at Rose, Ron handed her over and squeezed Hermione's hand a moment later. "She'll be fine," he assured her, smiling weakly. "It's probably just a fever of some kind. They can fix that."

Hermione only nodded, swallowing an invisible lump in her throat. She felt sick; absolutely sick. Finding her baby in that condition had been the absolute worst thing she had ever encountered. When she couldn't rouse her daughter, for a moment she had believed her to be dead… and her heart had stopped.

"She'll be fine," Ron assured her again, drawing her close. "Don't worry."

Hermione could only hold back her tears. She needed Rose to be okay. If it was something serious… she wasn't sure what she would do.

…

"Weasley?"

Ron had never seen Hermione get to her feet quicker than she did just then. In fact, he had thought she was asleep.

"Is everything okay?" Hermione demanded of the Healer. "Is my daughter okay?"

The Healer nodded. "Your daughter is okay," he assured her. "She suffered what we call Magic Fever."

Both Ron and Hermione stared blankly at him; it appeared not even Ron had heard of such an illness.

"It's a fever some infants experience when their magic sets in. It doesn't happen to all children, but is not unheard of, either. We have given her some potion to bring her temperature down and you will be free to take her home in an hour's time. I can take you to her now."

Rose was being tended to by another Healer in a nursery not at all different to the one she had been in two months ago. She had been changed, wrapped in a hospital blanket and was being cradled by the Healer.

"We just need to make sure she doesn't reject the potion, but once we're sure, you can take her home," the first Healer said as the second passed the bundle called Rose to Hermione.

"Thank you," Hermione replied. "Thank you so much." She looked down at Rose in her arms and ran her finger gently along the baby girl's cheek. "You scared us, sweetie," she said to the sleeping child. "Don't ever do that again."

"I'm sure she'll do it plenty more times," Ron countered with a grin. He put his arm across Hermione's shoulders.

Hermione held Rose close to her. "I never want to feel so scared again," she said, and she wasn't sure if she was talking to Ron, or Rose, or both. "If it had been worse…." She didn't need to elaborate on what she meant by 'worse'. Ron knew.

"Just thank Merlin that it was easily treatable," he said. "And, anyway, it's kind of a good thing, isn't it? We know she has magic."

Hermione smiled, trying to hide the few stray tears from her husband.

"Now we can plan to send her to Hogwarts in eleven years."

"Oh, don't think about that now," Hermione said. "That's too far off. Let's just enjoy it now… let's enjoy our time with her."

The past two months had had her avoiding Rose where she could. She had wanted very little to do with the life that she had created. But now, after feeling what it was like to lose her (even if it was for just a second) she didn't want to waste another moment. There was plenty she had to make up for – she knew that.

…

_3 months_

"She's grown so much, I can hardly believe it." Every week, Rose grew just that little bit more. She had gone from a tiny little thing that could fit into one arm, to quite a large baby. She had bright orange hair like Ron and a smile as wide as the sun.

And she laughed a lot. Ron made her laugh the most, but there were plenty of things that had her giggling; some of them unobvious to her parents.

"Dear, she'll just keep growing every single day," Molly Weasley explained to Hermione. "And before you know it, she'll be an adult herself."

Hermione looked to where Rose was observantly looking around the Burrow where her whole family had gathered. Her daughter was absolutely the most amazing thing in this entire world. She was perfect in every single way; perfect from her head to her toes.

"Don't worry, when she's too big, we'll have another one," Ron said, and Hermione couldn't work out if he was joking or being serious. Perhaps a bit of both.

"You're thinking about that already?" Hermione was glad Molly had been the one to say it and not her.

Ron shrugged. "One day, I guess," he said. "Not now, though," he added quickly, glancing uncertainly at Hermione. "But one day."

"Maybe," she said, for she was not sure. Having Rose was challenging (not just the physical pain, but the emotional energy it took to raise a child) and she wasn't sure if she wanted to experience that again. But then again, wouldn't giving Rose a little brother or sister be nice?

She shook her head. No, she was not going to think about that now. She was only sure of one thing with Rose right now; and that was that she knew with all her heart that all that love people had told her she would feel was there and it had always been there.

She had just never realised.

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_**This was actually a multi chapter idea I had in my head, but would never write, so I made it a one shot instead. I hope you liked it, because it's my head canon that for the first year or so of Rose's life, Hermione really struggles with motherhood. I think she would have studied it by the book a lot and when it didn't happen by the book, she wasn't sure how to cope. That's just my head canon anyway.**_

_**Your thoughts would be much appreciated :)**_


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